I. If the children of the household cannot be dispatched to the care of a governess, the lady novelist must first equip the young charges with any manner of diverting trinket such as a disassembled pocket-watch or a tin of buttons and imagine the young charges to be in a remote location such as Malta or Zanzibar so that the lady novelist may create for herself a moment’s refuge for the task of writing.

II. On the occasions that the lady novelist finds her literary landscapes suddenly overwrought with effeminate trappings such as lovelorn missives, dithering matriarchs, or maidens suffering lovelorn-missive-induced consumption in the care of dithering matriarchs, it is surely time for the lady novelist to set aside her plume, push up her sleeves, and educate herself in the ways of masculine folly – skeet shooting, fisticuffs, nether-regional adjustments, and the like – for the sake of broadening the lady writer’s literary appeal.

III. There will undoubtedly come a time when the lady novelist, after securing diversions for the household youth and deepening her well-spring of experience from which to draw, will put her pen to page to find it pressing against the same spot on the paper for a good hour or so with a painful deficiency of ideas or thoughts with which to encourage the pen onward – in which case the lady novelist shall indulge in writing excrement for the mere sake of maintaining the habit of writing anything at all. In other words, she shall keep a blog.

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